Ch’ui the draftsman
Could draw more perfect circles freehand
Than with a compass.
His fingers brought forth
Spontaneous forms from nowhere. His mind
Was meanwhile free and without concern
With what he was doing.
No application was needed
His mind was perfectly simple
And knew no obstacle.
So, when the shoe fits
The foot is forgotten,
When the belt fits
The belly is forgotten,
When the heart is right
“For” and “against” are forgotten.
No drives no compulsions,
No needs, no attractions:
Then your affairs
Are under control.
You are a free man.
Easy is right. Begin right
And you are easy.
Continue easy and you are right.
The right way to go easy
Is to forget the right way
And forget that the going is easy.
-Chuang Tzu
So here we are, early Wednesday morning. Just after midnight and for once my mind doesn’t seem to be on the verge of overflow. Not too far off, of course (it never is), but not at any level that’s going to keep me awake once I go to bed. Too often recently I can hardly sleep at night so I’m half-dead during the day. Some nights I can’t get comfortable. Most nights, though, my mind just goes at a-mile-a-minute and I cant calm it down enough to fall asleep. It’s not uncommon for me to go to bed tired but then lay awake there for three or four hours before I actually fall asleep. Last night I was in bed by 2:00 but didn’t fall asleep until arond 4:30.
Ah, c’est la vie.
I’m reading a lot more these days. I’ve been getting through about 150 pages per day total between the six or seven books I’m reading now. Reading is good because it keeps my brain occupied, whether consciously or subconsciously. Keeping my brain busy is good because it helps turn my neurosis in positive directions.
Is it wrong for me to not let something drop after three months? At the end of October I was in NYC for PhotoPlus Expo. That Saturday I was supposed to meet my friend Gretchen at the arch at Washington Square Park at like noon or something. Granted, I was a few minutes late, being then still quite horrible at dealing with public transportation, but she was nowhere to be found. I waited around for 2 1/2 hours, called her cell phone from the pay phone several times, but she never showed. After that, once I got back to Ohio, I tried contacting her a number of times via AIM, email, etc, trying to figure out what had happened. I wasn’t angry or anything, just curious. But she didn’t (and still hasn’t) responded to me once.
Call me obsessive, but I take it personally when someone I would consider my friend drops off the map without so much as a word and subsequently doesn’t even tell me what happened. Is it so wrong for me to still try to get ahold of her periodically? I say no. I figure she eventually has to break down and either tell me what’s up, or tell me to fuck off and get a restraining order against me. Blah. Why do people do stupid shit?
And this isn’t the first time a friend of mine has just disappeared or started purposefully ignoring me for no apparent reason. By last count it’s happened a good half dozen times in the last six or seven years. A few of them I really don’t care too much about at this point, but others were people who I really considered good friends. I guess it’s a product of my personality and the fact that I really value my friends, but I take that personally and hold on to it for a long time. I hate being abandoned, particularly without reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
OK, this is quickly turning into bad blood. Gotta stop that. Time to post this and move on.
