Today, I find myself on edge. I know there is a lot of work that needs to be done. Though I know I am up to the task, any time we begin the process of trying to affect large-scale changes in our lives, there’s an uptick in stress. The anxiety of it all increases, at least until we start seeing some results.
This morning, I realized one important practice I left out when identifying core habits to establish within my daily routine—gratitude. It’s not something I’ve been good about in the past, and it’s never been something that’s come naturally. Which isn’t to say I’m an ungrateful person, only that when it comes to the specific act of deliberately identifying and giving thanks for the good things in my life, it’s always felt somehow disingenuous.
It’s a strange thing, really, and I think it comes from the unfortunate fact that that, because of years of internal conditioning, it’s much easier for me to identify and dwell upon everything negative. I can ruminate on all my mistakes, missteps, problems, etc pretty much indefinitely.
So when I try to pivot and focus on the good, to give thanks and truly feel grateful for the many wonderful things and people in my life, my internal response is to not feel worthy. I don’t feel worthy of those things. More insidiously, I don’t feel worthy of happiness in the first place. It’s not good.
But then, that’s precisely why it’s all so important. I need to remember and remind myself about all the good. The people, the circumstances, the experiences, the opportunities. I have so many reasons to be excited to get out of bed every morning and hit the ground running. Instead, there’s often a sense of dread and a creeping fear (assumption?) that I’m going to continue to mess things up and come up short. There’s the feeling that I’m going to continue to fail myself and others, no matter what I do.
Honestly, this is one of the core aspects of how depression affects my life. If I look at it all rationally, logically, I can clearly see my skills, accomplishments, and all the good that I am truly very fortunate to have in my life. But the corresponding positive feeling pretty much never shows up on its own. It’s hard to cultivate, too, and rarely sticks around very long, which is why making a habit of a gratitude practice is both critically important and distinctly difficult.
This sort of conundrum is, I suspect, common to the experience of depression for many people. It is utterly demoralizing when you can’t even get your own mind and emotions on your side with any reliability.
Though I am determined now to get a daily gratitude practice established, to bust through my own internal resistance and keep it going, it’s hard to know how best to approach it. I suppose I’ll be trying a variety of things and see what works best for me—gratitude journal, gratitude meditation, visualizing what I’m thankful for, etc.
And though I do need to get back to working on other things now, I will close with a bit of gratitude, voiced publicly.
I am thankful for my wife, whose presence has transformed my life and who gives me joy every single day. She is amazing, and I am so glad to have her in my life.
I am thankful for my cat, Tora. We adopted him back in 2020, and much like my wife, he enriches every single day of my life. He’s adorable and affectionate, and he reliably makes us laugh.
I am thankful for the fact that I am able to live in Japan. It’s something I dreamed of for more than a decade, and I’ve now been here almost ten years. It’s not where I’m from, but it’s home for me now.
I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. Friends, family, acquaintances from the internet. So many people have contributed so much and have helped me grow immensely over the years.
Finally, I am thankful for your being here, for your taking the time to read the thoughts of some random guy on the outskirts of Tokyo. There aren’t a lot of you, but that’s OK. I am thankful for those of you who are here.
