NB: This post is eerily similar to the one before it, posted a whopping 14 months before. After that post, things got better. And then they got worse again, hence the need for a reboot. Fortunately, some big (positive) changes have happened since then, which means the situation is different in some important ways. I got married, for example, and quit the English school that was bad enough that it was causing not-insignificant amounts of suicidal ideation.
Today is Sunday, November 17, 2024 and I am a complete mess. Very little in my life is working right now, and I need to do something about it. My depression is bad, work isn’t coming in, and I’ve realized that I have become pretty much totally paralyzed by the sort of desperate fear that you fall into when you’ve been in a low enough place for a long enough time.
So obviously the solution is to blog about it, right? Might not be the most obvious thing, and not for everyone, of course, but it’s actually helpful for me. Over the last few months, as I’ve been trying to get things going and falling into this situation, I realize that there has been a lot of turning inward, and at a time when I really need to be doing the opposite.
Writing here, in public, is a way of forcing myself to do something about the situation, something different from what’s clearly not been working, and to open up instead of hiding in the shadows.
Another reason I want to write about this is that the problems I’m dealing with are not uncommon. There’s nothing on my plate that hasn’t been faced by plenty of other people. It’s easy to feel alone in our struggles, however, and by being honest about everything, in public, there’s a chance that it might help others feel less alone in their struggles.
And to be perfectly honest, by doing this work in public, there’s a chance it might help attract more of the right people and right solutions to help me along my way.
The situation at hand is complex, and getting overwhelmed by that complexity is a major part of the difficulty.
However, if I stop and think about it, it’s obvious that there are things that can be done. There’s always something that can be done, after all. Almost never are we truly helpless in our situations, no matter how much we might feel the world is getting the better of us.
What’s more, I’m starting this today, a cloudy late-autumn morning just outside of Tokyo, because I need to start this at some point, and what better time than now?
What we do today is always our best chance at creating a better tomorrow.
It’s only about 8:15 AM right now, and I already feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Slept badly last night, and got out of bed so that I could quietly leave the apartment before my thoughts spun out and sent me into a panic attack. It’s not a fun way to start the day.
For pretty much my entire adult life, anxiety and depression have been close at my heels. One of the few benefits of having struggled with these things for so long is that the territory is familiar. I am not completely lost in the wilderness, I have been to these places before. I’ve also been to places much worse, out at the edges where it gets dangerous.
Years ago, it was bad enough that I found myself calling one of those hotlines at 3:00 AM because I was afraid of what I might do to myself. That was 15 years ago, and fortunately it’s never gotten that bad again, but having been there, the fear of returning is very real, and I will not let it get that bad again.
I’ve already let it get worse than I’d like. It’s embarrassing. Every day, I project one image of myself out into the world, but inside I’m truly struggling, and the greater the disparity, the worse it makes me feel.
Once you see the disparity, though, you can begin to do something about it. It’s crazy how often that gap, the gulf between how we say we are and how we’re actually doing, is so much bigger than we allow ourselves to realize.
If you’ve seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or even if you’ve just heard of it, you’re probably familiar with the scene with the black knight. By the end of it, he’s lost all four limbs, but insists that he’s unharmed. And this is how a lot of us push through daily life. We’re severely wounded, but we carry on as if everything is fine. Pretending the problem isn’t there does no more for fixing it than saying ‘tis but a scratch mends a severed arm.
In subsequent posts, I’ll address more specifics of what’s got me down, how I’m working on it, etc, but fundamentally one of the core matters here is the lack of structures and habits that will support my progress and improvement over time. And it’s not as if I’m completely unaware of what I need to do to make things better. Just as we are almost never truly helpless in any situation, rarely are we actually ignorant of how to improve our situation.
In the past, certain habits have made a big difference, made difficulties more manageable, put me in a better state of mind, improved confidence, helped me to be better aware of opportunities, etc.
This morning, I’ve been thinking a lot about what core handful of habits I need to focus on reestablishing for the sake of improving the situation at hand. Try to do too much all at once almost ensures failure, so selecting a small number of habits and focusing on implementing them well is key.
This is Day 0. Tomorrow, Monday the 18th, is Day 1. Today is planning and preparation, tomorrow is when the action truly begins.
The habits/changes I’ll be focusing on are below, divided into a couple categories. There are the core, must-do items, and then there’s the longer list of other good things that are always positive additions to a day, but which are perks rather than requirements. The core elements are there primarily for the sake of mental health, reducing stress and anxiety, etc. When I’m doing better mentally, everything works better, so especially at the beginning, it makes sense to focus here.
Core Daily Habits
- Journaling: Most importantly, first thing in the morning, just when I’ve gotten out of bed. Stream-of-consciousness stuff, writing down anything and everything that comes to mind, with no editing or self-censoring. This is what Julia Cameron called morning pages. I call it brain dumping and believe in its value at any time of day, though first thing in the morning does seem to be especially potent.
- Meditation: Nothing complex, in the past I’ve found the most benefit from basic mindfulness meditation, with some other styles of meditation (mantra, loving-kindness, Vipassana, etc) thrown in for the enjoyment and extra benefit when I feel like it.
- Goal Orientation: With ADHD, it’s really easy for me to get derailed early in the day and lose hours and hours to tasks that simply don’t matter. If I review my goals and areas of focus a few times a day, especially first thing in the morning and just before bed, it helps me stay focused.
- Self Hypnosis: This one might sound crazy but it’s not. I use the Reveri app (there are others, but I like this one and it’s research-backed). Simply, it’s a tool to help get yourself into a relaxed state and guide your thinking in more productive directions. I’ve already found it to be very helpful in managing anxiety, I just need to be better about using it properly.
- Sobriety: Less of a habit than an anti-habit, I list this here because when things have been difficult in the past, I’ve leaned on alcohol a bit too much. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism that I simply want to rule out. Besides, between the cost and the health impacts, it’s something I’ve been thinking of cutting out entirely for a while now. Its benefits are practically none, and its detriments are numerous. Time to leave it behind, and in including it here I’m simply making it official. Already had one foot out the door.
I was going to list some of the additional things that I’ll add in daily as I can for added benefit, but this is already over 1,300 words so I’m not going to do that. I’ll cover that another day.
When I started writing this post, I was in a really bad state of mind. I feel better now, though, and if you’ve read this far I sincerely thank you. I don’t expect or demand that anyone read what I write here, but it’s always nice when someone is out there reading.
Time to head back home, massage this sore knee, and get on with the tasks of the day.
